Donald Trump and his cabinet discuss acquiring Greenland for its minerals and strategic value, framing it as a necessary move against global rivals.
“I’M asking for a piece of ice… it’s a very small ask.” – US President Donald Trump speaking at the World Economic Forum in Davos on Jan 21.
LOCATION: The Gold Room, Mar-a-Lago
TIME: 1.15am
The air is thick with the scent of well-done steak and expensive hairspray. Trump sits at the head of a mahogany table, sharpie in hand, circling a large map of the Arctic.
Surrounding him are Vice President JD Vance (looking intensely focused), Secretary of State Marco Rubio (adjusting a tie that is already perfect), Secretary of the Treasury Scott Bessent (calculating numbers on a napkin) and Secretary of War Pete Hegseth (wearing a suit that looks like it’s hiding tactical body armour).
Trump: (Pointing a thumb at the map) Look at it. It’s a lot of ice – but it’s beautiful ice, the best ice. We probably have more ice than anyone else in the world once we close the deal. And the minerals – JD, tell them about the minerals.
Vance: Sir, the strategic depth is unparalleled. We’re talking rare earth elements that make Silicon Valley look like a lemonade stand. If we don’t take it, the woke-globalist-technocracy will let the Chinese build a lithium-powered missile base on the North Pole. All our foremost think-tanks are telling me that China will be doing this soon.
Trump: (Nodding) Exactly. I saw that well before the bunch of idiots running Heritage, Hoover, CFR (Council on Foreign Relations) and CSIS (Centre for Strategic and International Studies). That is something I will definitely take up with Xi (Jinping – China president) in April. No nukes on the North Pole. If he is not happy, he can go set it up in the south. He is a smart cookie but you know, he really likes me after all the nice things I’ve said about him. (chuckles)
Now, Marco, we need this fast. Why is Denmark being so difficult? It’s a small country. Very cute. I like Danish pastries. But they are acting like they are the big shots.
Rubio: Well, Mr President, technically they say it is “not for sale”. But I’ve been messaging their ministers. I told them that in the new world order, you are either an American territory or you are a target for “Enemy Number One”.
Trump: (His face darkens) Enemy Number One. Macron. Did you see him today? With the hair? And the little suits? He’s always whispering. I call him “The Whisperer”. Typical froggie. He wants a European Army. What’s he going to do? Fight with baguettes? It’s a disaster.
And Starmer (Keir Starmer, UK prime minister). Very low energy. He looks like a guy who is perpetually lost in a library. Now he is trying to open his big mouth on our phone conversations. Totally untrustworthy. No wonder the Brits are looking to dump him. Nigel (Farage, UK MP) will do nicely as a replacement.
Hegseth: (Leaning forward) Starmer is a threat to the warrior spirit, Sir. He is trying to “de-escalate” the Arctic. You don’t de-escalate the Arctic. You dominate it. I’ve already scouted three locations for a “Freedom Base” where we can train the next generation of Alpha-patriots in sub-zero temperatures.
Trump: I love that. “Freedom Base”. Very strong. But we have to talk about Carney (Mark Carney, Canadian prime minister). He’s the worst. Cutting a deal with China without my permission. He thinks that he is the Globalist King. He’s everywhere, like a ghost. He talks about “climate risk”. I’ll tell you the risk – the risk is not owning Greenland when the ice melts and reveals all that gold and rare earths. Scott, what’s the ROI?
Bessent: (Tapping his napkin) If we leverage the sovereign wealth and de-index the Danish Krone while simultaneously launching “Green-Exit” bonds… Sir, Greenland pays for itself in eighteen months, especially if we turn the southern tip into a tax-free crypto-hub. We can call it “The Cold Coin”.
Trump: “The Cold Coin”. I like it. Very cool. Very “in”. Rhymes with coal too, gentlemen. But we need the people – the Greenlanders. They love me, right? I saw a poll – maybe I made it up but it felt like a good poll – where they said they wanted more red hats.
Vance: We’re already on it, Sir. We’ve got the influencers and our media ready. We’re launching a TikTok campaign: #IceIceBerry where the American ingredient provides a sensational kick. We’re going to tell them that under US control, every Greenlander gets a free Ford F-150 and a subscription to a streaming service that only plays “The Apprentice” and UFC fights. That should appeal to the Viking blood in them.
Trump: Tremendous! Make sure the hats are neon. So you can see them against the snow. Safety first. I’m very big on safety.
Rubio: (Hesitantly) Sir, Macron is calling. He wants to discuss “international law” and the “Geneva Convention” regarding territorial annexation. He has been very cocky since his boys got the big military contract with Ukraine and now India. He’s hated us, especially after losing on Aukus.
Trump: (Waving a hand dismissively) Tell him I’m busy. No time for froggies. Tell him I’m looking at a bigger map. Tell him Carney and Starmer can go have a tea party in the rain and fly kites. We’re moving the border – the New North. It’s going to be huge. Do you know this is the biggest land area to be incorporated in the US.
Rubio: Sir. My staff tell me that Alaska is only 1.7 million sq/km but Greenland is over 2.1. Some estimates place Greenland close to 50% larger than Alaska.
Trump: (excitedly) This is a colossal deal, boys. Biggest in our history. This will go into the history books, TikTok, Facebook and all kinds of recording. Think about it: Trump and team engineer the largest real estate deal in the world.
Hegseth: Wow! Boss. I’ll get the flags ready, Sir. Large ones, heavy-duty polyester. All made in the US, not in China.
Trump: The biggest flags. And now, with one additional star. And someone please get me a Diet Coke. This Arctic talk makes me thirsty.
Before you all go, there’s a cartoon of the emperor walking around with the clothes peeling off. Disgusting Democrats. Why don’t they play fair? Kill the cartoon, okay!
Vance, Rubio, Bessent and Hegseth look at each other.
Hegseth: I’ll make sure Fox takes care of this, Sir.
Vance: Not to worry, Boss. We’ll all handle this.
Rubio: One last thing, Sir. There’s a plan to set up the Donald Trump Foreign Policy Centre of Excellence. Many universities are bidding to house it. I hear even Oxford and Cambridge.
Trump: Tremendous! Make sure they keep the Norwegians and Danes out. And Canadians too. (loudly) Totally out.
Lim Teck Ghee’s Another Take is aimed at demystifying social orthodoxy. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
