Harsh parenting gives structure. Gentle parenting gives safety. Balanced parenting gives both.
SAYANG sayang sekelian, buckle up – we are about to explore the sacred, untouchable, everybody-thinks-they’re-right world of Malaysian parenting.
On one end: Harsh parenting, built on rotan, raised eyebrows and the belief that character grows best under fear of slippers.
On the other: Gentle parenting, built on calm breathing, validating emotions and the belief that no child becomes a CEO by being yelled at daily.
And somewhere in the middle is every Malaysian parent praying they don’t scar their child forever but also don’t end up with a mini tyrant who screams because the ikan bilis on their nasi lemak is “looking at them”.
The harsh parenting legacy: Traumatic but make it efficient
Ah, the classics. Many Malaysians grew up with: “Stop crying or I give you reason to cry.” Eyebrow signals that could stop the traffic on Jalan Tun Razak. Rotan hanging on the wall like a national flag. The slipper that flew with GPS accuracy.
Harsh parenting was fast, decisive and sometimes unintentionally comedic. You break a plate? “This is why I cannot have nice things!” You get 98% on a test? “Where did the other two marks go? Swimming?”
It produced adults who were resilient or anxious or both, depending on the day and the lighting.
But let’s be fair – harsh parenting came from a place of survival. Our parents didn’t have Google, therapy-language or kale smoothies. They had three jobs, four children and blood pressure permanently at 180/100. They weren’t trying to scare us; they were trying to keep us alive.
Gentle parenting: The new kid on the block (with flashcards)
Gentle parenting is the modern Malaysian parent kneeling eye-level and saying: “I see you’re upset. Shall we talk about your feelings?” Meanwhile, the kid is screaming like a banshee because you cut their sandwich horizontally, not diagonally.
Gentle parenting emphasises:
- emotional literacy;
- calm communication;
- teaching instead of punishing;
- repairing instead of scolding; and
- boundaries delivered with empathy, not terror.
It’s beautiful. It’s progressive. It’s hopeful. But also – let’s be honest – sometimes it feels like a TED talk held during a WWE match.
Where harsh parenting fails and where it works
Harsh parenting can produce discipline, a solid respect for structure and children who develop impressively high resilience. But it can also lead to low emotional expression, fear-based behaviour and adults who feel so anxious about “doing something wrong” that they even apologise to a chair after bumping into it.
Harsh parenting works in emergencies:
- Your child is about to stick a fork in the socket?
- No time for gentle monologue – you shout, you grab, you save the day.
The problem is when every situation becomes a “fork in the socket” moment. Constant fear doesn’t grow good humans; it grows good perfectionists with lifelong stress eczema.
Where gentle parenting shines and where it cracks like kuih kapit
Gentle parenting produces emotionally aware children, safe and trusting parent-child relationships, and confidence that is rooted in real understanding. But it also invites endless negotiations, tantrums with the stamina of a petrol-subsidy engine and children who treat bedtime like it requires full United Nations mediation.
Sometimes gentle parenting parents forget that:
- setting boundaries is not violence;
- telling your child “No” is not trauma; and
- feelings are valid but throwing your chicken nugget across the room is not.
Malaysia needs a middle path: Gentle hearts, firm boundaries
The magic, sayang, isn’t choosing one extreme; it’s knowing when to be soft, when to be firm and when to pretend you need to use the toilet just to breathe and reset your soul.
Harsh parenting gives structure. Gentle parenting gives safety. Balanced parenting gives both.
And it looks like this:
- “I hear you’re angry. But you still cannot kick your sister.”
- “You’re disappointed, I understand. But school still starts at 7:30, darling.”
- “You can cry but you cannot scream at Tok Wan, he lived through three recessions.”
- I love you. I’m here. Also, please put down the broom.”
Boundaries aren’t the opposite of kindness; they are proof of it.
Healing ourselves while raising them
Many Malaysians today are parenting with two spirits inside them: the gentle parent they want to be and the harsh parent they accidentally turn into when the child says “no” for the 27th time.
You are not failing; you’re human – you’re trying to undo cycles you inherited, with tools you are still learning to use. Gentle parenting doesn’t deny that harshness existed – it simply says, “It stops here”. But harsh parenting isn’t always the villain either. Sometimes it’s the quick boundary, sometimes it’s the firm tone that keeps everyone alive and sometimes it’s the “no means no” that prevents future chaos. What matters is intention, not volume.
The Malaysian parenting recipe
If Malaysia had an official recipe for parenting, it would be:
- 1 cup empathy
- 1 cup boundaries
- 2 tablespoons humour
- A dash of seasoned eyebrow
- Rotan – optional, depending on Tok Wan
And a whole lot of love, even when the child is testing your spirit, patience and your blood pressure.
Balanced parenting is not harsh, soft or perfect; it is just conscious. And if your child grows up into a compassionate, confident and emotionally healthy Malaysian, then congratulations, my darling. You’ve done the work. Softly, firmly and lovingly.
Azura Abas is the associate editor of theSun. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
