The art of flirting

BEING called a flirt or accused of flirting is never considered a good thing in our society. However if handled right, it is one of the best ways to break the ice, talk to stranger or maybe even find that special someone.
Social and cultural anthropologist Jean Smith breaks it all down in her new book, Flirtololgy.
Considered the world's leading flirt expert, Smith not only gives talks on this subject but also conducts courses for groups where they get to use what she has taught them to talk to strangers.
One of the ways that Smith makes the subject of flirting approachable is by breaking it all down into a science.
She explained in a recent phone interview: "In most areas of people's lives (their work lives or friends), they seem pretty confident. They know what to do.
"But when it comes to flirting, finding love or approaching new people, they feel insecure and vulnerable. They fear rejection.
"That is why linking this to something concrete like social science means I can give people real information."
Elaborating further, Smith gave the example of a networking event when you are supposed to go up and start talking to people.
"All of a sudden, the mind chatter starts, and starts creating all these stories for you about what is going to happen if you talk to this person.
"If you link it to something that is real and concrete like social science, we can say: 'How many times have you done this?' and we will think: 'Not very many'.
"Then we ask: 'On those two occasions when you had to do this, how was the experience?' and you would say: 'Oh, they seemed happy to talk to me'."
Smith said it is good to have a person worried about rejection to link these feelings to something real.
Asked how she learned so much about 'flirting', two things came to Smith's mind.
"One, I travelled the world by myself after I graduated from university. When you are travelling by yourself and you are a social person, you have to find ways to talk to other people. Otherwise you will find yourself in your room every night, like bored.
"So I was forced to make connection, step out of my comfort zone and talk to people. I saw the reaction [of how] most of these people were so happy to have a connection with someone else.
"The second is because I wasn't looking at people as a man or a woman, or changing my behaviour if I was talking to a man.
"One of the keys of modern way of interacting is we don't look at each other as man or woman and change our behaviour accordingly. We must look at each other as human beings and in that way, it is less likely we will see that person as an object.
"Then if the human happens to be your preferred gender, the flirting will happen naturally because the two people will be feeling the vibe."
The word 'flirting' has often been associated with a person of loose morals. Very often, a woman (never the man) is vilified for 'flirting' and blamed if something untoward happens afterwards.
"In my first book, The Flirt Interpreter, I interviewed 250 people (in London, New York, Paris, and Stockholm). I asked them: 'What is flirting?' and almost everyone had a different answer.
"This is the problem with the word 'flirt'. It is linked to so many negative stereotypes and preconceptions. In a way that is why I created this word 'flirtology'. I was trying to create a whole new definition about what we mean by flirting.
"Flirtology is really a whole way of life; it is about breaking the ice, being joyful, and being kind to each other."
That is why in her new book, she separated flirting, which is a fun way to spend time, from 'flirting with intent', which is meant for those who are seriously looking for love or to attract someone.