I AM a father of three and a grandfather of six – just the right number to remember all their names! With that, I believe I have earned a bit of credibility to speak about fatherhood, at least for the younger dads.
Being a good father is a work in progress and is something we can also learn from one another.
A father’s role goes beyond simply being a provider. It is not just about financial security but also about creating emotional security, stability, peace, harmony and joy within the family.
Interestingly, the word responsibility contains four “I”s – a reminder that a father can’t take the “I” out of fatherhood or delegate everything to the mother. He has a vital role to play in his children’s development and well-being.
At the heart of this role are four key responsibilities: to illustrate, illuminate, inspire and influence.
Illustrate
There is no leadership more powerful than leading by example. To illustrate is to exemplify our words through actions – to practise what we preach and preach what we practise.
The greatest sense of security a father can give his children is to love their mother with care, honour and respect. Violating this principle will instil fear in daughters that their future husbands may mistreat them and it may influence sons to dishonour their future spouses.
Imagine the fear and insecurity children will feel if they were to walk into a room and see their mother being shouted at or in tears.
To children, there is no greater trust and security than witnessing how their fathers treat their mothers. All the knowledge, wisdom and advice on love cannot equate to the influence of a father’s loving actions towards their mother.
This emotional security is crucial to a child’s well-being. A good father does not merely tell his family he loves them – he shows it through consistent and committed behaviour.
Illuminate
To illuminate is to throw light on something so that it is better understood. As fathers, we must do all we can to illuminate and enlighten our children on things that are important, useful and good.
These days, one of the biggest challenges for parents is capturing our children’s attention in the age of the Big “D”– Digital. Sometimes, it feels like we are living in the age of distraction. So how do we win our children’s focus?
I always observe this phenomenon at conventions – before an event starts, everyone is chatting and ignoring the emcee but the moment the VIP’s arrival is announced everyone falls silent.
As parents, we need to become VIPs to our children – not just very important people but very interesting parents. We must share engaging and relevant content to capture their attention.
That means moving beyond outdated, boring and irrelevant things.
We must win over their eyes, ears and minds by telling them things they don’t know, showing them something they have never seen and sharing with them experiences they have never had.
I tell my children stories they have never heard, take them to business conventions and expose them to interesting people doing exciting things.
I once spoke at a leadership seminar with over 1,500 participants from across Asia. I took my children to many of these events. I remember my daughter asking: “Dad, aren’t
you afraid of speaking to such a big crowd?”
I told her that as a young boy, I struggled with a deep inferiority complex. But reading The Power of Positive Thinking by Dr Norman Vincent Peale, a pastor from Marble Collegiate Church in New York, changed that. He advised inviting God to sit beside you when you are afraid – to believe He is with you. With that faith, you can overcome your fears and reach your full potential.
I told her that courage is not the absence of fear; it is moving forward in spite of it. And when we overcome our fears, we can achieve extraordinary things.
Inspire
Many people know what to do but do not do what they know. I have come to realise that just telling our children what to do is not enough; we must inspire them.
The best way to inspire is not by doing things reluctantly but with joy and passion. One of my favourite sayings is: “What is learnt with pleasure is learnt full measure – and that is the true treasure.”
I always look for opportunities to share something positive with my children and to praise them for things they do well. I believe in catching them doing the right things and celebrating those moments to inspire them further. When they realise they can do one thing well, they will gain the confidence to take on more.
For years, I encouraged my children to write a book. My eldest daughter eventually did it – she wrote Motherhood. I told my children it is not just about writing a book; it is about attempting something that once seemed impossible and then realising it was possible after all. That epiphany can change their lives.
My second daughter once asked how I managed to write 21 books. I told her that when you find passion in what you do, everything becomes easier. When you do things consistently, you will improve and eventually excel.
Influence
A father’s influence is vital in shaping a positive family atmosphere. Emotional security, peace and harmony are key to the psychological well-being of our children.
The best way to prevent sibling rivalry is to be a mediator and harmoniser – treating all children fairly and with love. Each child is unique but all are equally important. I remind them that they are VIPs – very important participants in the family.
A father should be a comforter and peacemaker. He should be magnanimous and rise above small conflicts. And when emotional differences arise, especially involving the mother, we must remember the sacrifices she has made.
A father should understand that mothers are God’s most amazing creations – they complete and enrich a man’s life. Through his actions, a father can model the belief that love truly conquers all.
By always keeping the bigger picture in mind, he can help cultivate a home filled with harmony, joy and lasting connection.
Happy Father’s Day.
Dr Victor S.L.Tan is the CEO of KL Strategic Change Consulting Group. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
