Child’s school transition tests parents emotionally, with empty nest syndrome and identity crisis often overlooked in Malaysian society.
THE beginning of a new school year is usually framed as a child’s story – new uniforms, new campuses, new independence. But rarely do we confront the uncomfortable truth behind this transition: when children leave home, parents are the ones tested most deeply.
In 2026, as families across Malaysia and beyond send their children back to schools – many to boarding institutions, distant cities or unfamiliar environments – the dominant narrative celebrates children’s resilience.
What we fail to discuss is the parallel psychological rupture happening quietly at home: empty rooms, broken routines and parents forced to confront who they are when their central role is suddenly reduced.
This silence is not accidental. Modern society is deeply uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability, especially in parents who are expected to be endlessly strong, rational and self-sacrificing.
From a developmental psychology perspective, separation from primary caregivers is essential for healthy individuation. German-American psychoanalyst Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development make it clear: adolescence is the battleground between identity and role confusion. Without distance, autonomy cannot form.
Yet, Erikson also warned that unresolved emotional tensions in caregivers can spill into the next generation. A parent who has not processed loss often transmits anxiety instead of confidence.
In other words, sending children away does not automatically build resilience. It builds resilience only when parents themselves are emotionally regulated, secure and self-aware. This is where many families struggle.
The myth of the ‘strong parent’
Contemporary parenting culture glorifies control. We monitor grades in real time. We track locations via apps. We manage emotions through constant messaging. While marketed as “care”, this hyper-involvement often reflects parental anxiety disguised as responsibility.
Psychologist Carl Rogers warned decades ago that conditional support – love tied to performance, obedience or constant availability – undermines psychological growth. Children raised under such systems may appear disciplined but often lack internal confidence.
More critically, parents become emotionally dependent on their children’s presence for meaning. When the child leaves, the parent collapses.
Empty homes, exposed identities
Clinical psychologists increasingly refer to “Empty Nest Syndrome” not as a phase but as an identity crisis. Studies show that parents who centred their entire self-worth on caregiving roles are more prone to depression, irritability and marital strain once children leave.
In Malaysia, this issue is rarely acknowledged. Cultural expectations demand that parents suffer quietly. Emotional distress is spiritualised, minimised or dismissed as lack of gratitude.
But psychology is clear: unprocessed grief does not disappear; it mutates. It becomes control, guilt and chronic worry – over-attachment or resentment masked as sacrifice.
Sending children to school today is not what it was 20 years ago. Schools are no longer isolated academic spaces; they are intersections of ideology, performance pressure, digital exposure and identity politics.
Globally, rising anxiety disorders among adolescents are linked not only to academic stress but also to constant comparison, algorithm-driven validation and fear of irrelevance. Malaysia is not immune.
Parents who believe schools alone will “fix” character development are outsourcing what psychologists call moral scaffolding in the internal compass built through values, modeling and emotional safety at home. Schools teach skills but homes teach meaning.
Letting go is a psychological skill
Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby, never advocated emotional detachment. It advocated secure attachment and the ability to remain emotionally connected without clinging.
Healthy attachment says:“I trust you enough to let you struggle.”
Unhealthy attachment says:“I need you close so I can feel okay.”
Many parents confuse the two. True letting go is not abandonment; it is confidence without surveillance, support without intrusion and presence without possession.
Across spiritual traditions, one principle is consistent: human control is limited.
Psychological well-being improves when individuals accept uncertainty instead of fighting it.
Modern positive psychology, particularly the work of Viktor Frankl emphasises meaning over control. Frankl argued that suffering becomes destructive only when it lacks purpose.
When parents reinterpret separation not as loss but as transition of responsibility, anxiety transforms into grounded hope.
Faith traditions articulated this earlier than psychology ever did: you do your part, then you release.
The quiet work parents must do
The new school year is not only a test for children navigating unfamiliar corridors; it is a reckoning for parents confronting unanswered questions:
Who am I beyond care-giving?
Is my marriage emotionally intact?
Do I know how to be still without being needed?
Can I trust values I planted without supervising their every expression?
These questions are uncomfortable but avoidance is costlier.
Why this matters for society?
A nation’s emotional maturity mirrors its families. Overprotected children become fragile adults. Emotionally unprocessed parents raise anxious leaders.
If Malaysia wants resilient future generations, we must normalise emotional literacy not only in children but also in parents. This means rejecting the illusion that strength equals silence. It means acknowledging that letting children leave is one of the hardest psychological acts of adulthood.
When children walk into schools this year, they are learning independence. When parents return to quiet homes, they are learning surrender. Both lessons are necessary.
But only one is discussed. Perhaps it is time we admit the truth: the most difficult classroom in education is not the school; it is the living room after the child has gone.
And how parents graduate from that classroom will shape not only their children’s futures but the emotional spine of society itself.
Assoc Prof Dr Zaizul Ab Rahman is a senior lecturer at the Centre for Theology and Philosophy, Faculty of Islamic Studies, Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia.
Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
