Family communication breakdowns and a child’s stealing behaviour explained, with practical parenting advice from Focus on the Family Malaysia.
Q: Communication has become an issue with our family. It seems none of us spend time talking anymore. I don’t know how this happened but I am concerned about how it is affecting our relationships. What can I do to change the situation?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: You are wise to work towards reversing this trend. Regular and open conversations are essential to healthy family relationships. Deep down, we all want to know and be known, and talking is absolutely crucial to this process.
Family conversations are especially important because they promote and bolster a sense of family identity. When children possess a healthy sense of belonging, they are less apt to experiment with risky behaviours and far more likely to develop strong characters.
Where to begin? We suggest that the dinner table is a good place to start. You can encourage reluctant children by giving them your undivided attention, practising active listening and initiating conversations.
Use emotion-based rather than fact-based language. In other words, try to get at the feelings family members are experiencing rather than focusing on the things you have been doing.
It also helps to have something to talk about – common interests, mutual accomplishments, collective memories, meaningful stories, perhaps even a shared family hobby like biking, camping or games night.
Avoid “yes” or “no” questions as much as possible. Instead, try to come up with personal, open-ended questions. For instance:
What has been the best and worst part of your week so far? What made it good or bad?
What is the most exciting thing you have heard recently?
If you can be anyone in the world, who would you be and why?
Q: How can we stop our four-year-old from stealing? I have a feeling he is just being irresponsible – that he puts things in his pocket and forgets about them. We have talked to him about why this behaviour is wrong but he keeps doing it.
Focus on the Family Malaysia: It is important to tell your son that stealing is wrong but it is also crucial to remember that four-year-olds tend to respond more to actions than words. If you don’t back up your reproofs with consequences, children are unlikely to change their behaviour.
In your son’s case, he needs to know what it feels like when someone takes something from him that he values. Let him know that the next time he takes an item, you will be taking something away from him.
If it happens again, go into his room while he is occupied elsewhere and remove one of his favourite toys. When he discovers it is missing, tell him you took it and that he won’t get it back for a day. Each time the behaviour recurs, extend the penalty by an additional day.
In addition, when you discover your son has taken something that does not belong to him, have him quickly return it and apologise to the person he took it from. That will cement the lesson in his mind in an immediate and practical way.
If the behaviour occurs in a classroom setting, you can work with the teacher to set up a restitution plan. For example, your son may have to miss out on a fun activity or stay after class to help clean up the room. If you are correct in thinking that your son does not actually mean to steal, this plan should correct his behaviour rather quickly.
But if the problem persists, his actions may be a manifestation of deeper issues. Our licensed counsellors will be able to discuss your concerns with you further. You can schedule an appointment on our website.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community.
For more information, visit family.org.my.
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