Q: I struggle with Father’s Day because my dad never expressed love or pride in me. Eventually, my dad abandoned our family. He was never a positive influence in my life, so I do not feel the need to honour him. Is it wrong to feel this way?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: We understand how painful this must be. In many Asian cultures, fathers do not often express their affection or pride for their children.
Many focus on working hard to provide for their families, which can sometimes come at the expense of spending time at home and being positive role models for their children.
Being abandoned as a child can leave deep wounds, and these feelings may surface more strongly around Father’s Day.
However, we can still respect long-held traditions that teach us to honour our dads, not just for them, but perhaps even more for us.
The ancient Greek concept of “honour” refers to recognising what is honourable. In other words, we are not expected to honour our fathers for their shortcomings or failures, rather, we can acknowledge any positive aspects they may have represented, no matter how few. That may be as simple as acknowledging that they gave us life.
There is a personal benefit in this. Honouring fathers who fall short requires us to embrace forgiveness.
Our counsellors can attest that forgiveness is a long and challenging process. It does not erase a father’s past mistakes or poor choices he may have made, but it can free us from the emotional weight of resentment.
If your dad is still alive, it could be the first step on a journey towards healing for both of you.
Q: When I express my love for my husband – whether verbally or in writing – I often list the reasons he means so much to me, like being a great dad and provider. However, he does not seem to appreciate these compliments as much as he used to. Am I missing something?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Most of us, when asked to list the reasons we love our spouses, would likely start with “because...”. I love my husband because he is good to me, because he is kind, because he is considerate and because he is romantic.
There is nothing wrong with appreciating those qualities. However, true, lasting love
goes deeper.
Author Gary Thomas points out that it is easy to love someone who constantly does nice things for you and makes you feel good. Anyone can love a person like that.
It is different in real life. Even the best spouse will let you down at times. We all have moments of self-absorption, forgetfulness or even unkindness, and this applies to both spouses. But when you choose to love your spouse despite their flaws, you are not loving them because of anything – you are loving them regardless.
Can a woman love a husband who does not acknowledge her sacrifices or takes her for granted? Can a man love a wife who is not as kind to him as he is to her?
We all long to be loved despite our flaws, so shouldn’t we extend that same kind of love to the person closest to us?
A key to a strong marriage is reaching the point where you can say, “I love you because, and I love you anyway”. Finding that balance can help your relationship stand the test of time.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my.
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