HAVE you ever said something in the heat of the moment and later thought, “why did I do that, it is not like me at all”?
Most of us have – whether it is snapping unexpectedly, shutting down when we wanted to speak up or feeling deeply hurt by a seemingly harmless comment. It often feels like someone else took over – a different version of ourselves. And in many ways, that is exactly what happened.
We are not singular, fixed beings. We carry within us multiple “selves” – inner personalities shaped by past experiences, roles we have had to play and strategies we have developed to survive. There may be a part of us that is confident and capable while another that feels anxious in moments of tension, and others that may show up as the perfectionist, the avoider or the over-reactor.
These parts are not dysfunctional – they are normal. In psychology, this concept is reflected in models like internal family systems, which describe the mind as having multiple parts, with each serving a protective purpose.
These parts emerge to help us cope, often from a younger or more vulnerable time in our lives. When something triggers us – a tone of voice, a glance, a word, a subtle shift in body language or even an action that reminds us of a past hurt – it may activate not just an emotional response but a stored memory.
Sometimes, it is not even the action itself but the energy of a person or the environment we are in. Certain people can trigger discomfort simply because something about them – how they speak, behave or move – resonates with an old experience we have not yet resolved.
Neurologically, this is partly due to what is known as an amygdala hijack. The amygdala – the part of the brain responsible for detecting threats – can override our logical thinking when it perceives danger, even if that danger is symbolic or emotional rather than physical.
This is why we feel deeply hurt or reactive in moments that, on the surface, may seem small. Our nervous system is responding to a past wound being poked – not just the present situation. That is why our reactions often do not make logical sense. The body does not always differentiate between then and now.
A raised voice may remind you of being scolded as a child. Disapproval may tap into memories of rejection. A dismissive shrug or a passive-aggressive smile may remind you of times you were not heard. Without realising it, an old version of you steps in – trying to protect, to defend, to make sense of pain that is already been felt before.
And after the storm comes the guilt. Many of us, especially those trying to be self-aware or emotionally responsible, carry guilt for how we reacted. We regret the words, the tone and the silence. However, guilt, while natural, can become another layer of suppression. It can push us to silence or dismiss parts of ourselves that are trying to communicate something important. That is the paradox – what if the part of you that acted out was not trying to sabotage your growth but was trying to be heard?
Instead of jumping into guilt, consider pausing and asking yourself: What am I really feeling right now? Does this remind me of something from before? Which part of me is reacting?
You don’t need to go into deep psychological excavation, just bringing gentle awareness to the reaction can help shift it. You will start to relate to the feeling rather than from it. Over time, this will build emotional regulation not by force but through connection.
One practical way to do this is to change your language. Instead of saying, “I’m angry”, you can say, “A part of me feels angry”. This small shift will remind you that you are not your emotion but the one observing it. This will create a space between you and the part of you that is reacting, giving your wiser, calmer self a chance to respond more clearly.
Another helpful tool is to journal after a strong emotional event. Write what happened, what you felt, what it reminded you of and who was involved. Over time, you may notice that certain patterns repeat themselves – not just with specific words or actions but with particular people or places. These are not coincidences; they are maps. And the more familiar you are with your inner terrain, the less likely you are to get lost in it.
It is also important to remember that not every emotion needs to be fixed. Some just need to be acknowledged. One of the most liberating shifts we can make is letting go – not of the feeling itself but of the pressure to handle everything perfectly. Some emotions pass more easily when we stop gripping them so tightly. If a part of you showed up in a way you are not proud of, try not to push it away; name it, thank it for trying to protect you. Then, gently remind yourself that you get to choose who leads.
You do not have to carry every reaction to the end. Some feelings are just visitors – they pass through when we give them space, not when we fight them.
What is reassuring is that even in our most reactive moments, our calm, compassionate self – the one capable of thoughtful action – is still there. That part of us does not disappear; it simply gets quiet when other parts get loud.
But with practice and patience, we can learn to let that core self guide us again. We cannot always control what triggers us but we can change how we respond.
Often, it is not about becoming someone new; it is about making space for all that we are and choosing in each moment which part gets to lead.
Dr Praveena Rajendra is a certified mental health and awareness practitioner specialising in narcissistic abuse recovery.
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