Focus on the Family Malaysia offers guidance on handling an ex-spouse’s negative comments and addressing a boyfriend’s controlling behaviour
Q: What is the best way to respond when my son tells me that my ex-husband has been speaking negatively about me?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: First determine whether your ex-husband is actually making those comments. Children can sometimes misunderstand, exaggerate or even invent stories, particularly if they have reasons for trying to draw their parents into conflict. Avoid jumping to conclusions until you have made a genuine effort to establish the facts.
If you are convinced that inappropriate comments have been made, let your son know that you intend to address the issue directly with his father. This also gives you an opportunity to explain your intentions to your son.
You might say, “For some time now, you’ve been telling me about some negative things your father has been saying about me. I think it’s important for our family that we put an end to this kind of talk. I’m going to speak with your dad about it and see whether we can agree on what we will and won’t say about each other. That way, if we have concerns or disagreements, we can deal with them directly without involving you”.
The next step is to contact your ex-husband and ask whether he is willing to support this approach. Regardless of his response, make a conscious decision not to retaliate by speaking negatively about him. That doesn’t mean ignoring or excusing behaviour that genuinely concerns you. If there are legitimate issues, address them directly with your former husband whenever possible.
At the same time, strive to maintain a respectful attitude. In the long run, your child is likely to be influenced more by your example than by your ex-husband’s words.
Q: I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years. He is a wonderful person when we are around other people. However, when we are alone, he can be very controlling. He becomes upset if he doesn’t get his way or if I don’t do what he wants. My parents have encouraged me to stand up for myself but that only seems to make matters worse. I truly love him and want our relationship to work. How can I help him become less controlling?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Unfortunately, you can’t. While our behaviour can impact others, each person is responsible for theirs.
So, what should you do? You mentioned your parents have encouraged you to “stand up for yourself”, and that may be good advice. Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean engaging in constant arguments or trying to outmatch your boyfriend. That approach is unlikely to bring about lasting change.
Instead, stand up for yourself by developing and demonstrating self-respect. The fact that you have endured this behaviour for nearly two years suggests that you can benefit from talking with a counsellor.
A counsellor can help you evaluate the relationship, strengthen your confidence and determine what healthy boundaries look like.
Standing up for yourself also means establishing clear, firm boundaries. If you choose to continue this relationship, you should make it clear that controlling behaviour is unacceptable.
Encourage your boyfriend to seek individual counselling to address his need for control. This behaviour is a serious warning sign. If he loves and respects you, he should acknowledge the problem and seek the help he needs. If he refuses, it may be healthier to step away from the relationship and focus on your own well-being and future.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: [email protected]
