Q: My biggest frustration as a parent is getting my children to behave. How can I discipline them effectively?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: First, understand that discipline is not about punishment. It is about learning, correction and modelling. It requires lots of energy and patience, but that does not mean “absorb or tolerate until you pop”.
There is not one perfect type of discipline that works for all children, each child has different needs as they mature and learn. Here are four things to remember as you consider parental discipline.
1. Know what you are trying to teach and why. What does your child need to learn? What is the moment like from his perspective? How can you teach him to make better decisions? Include these traits in your parenting tool belt: love; respect; boundaries and limits; grace and forgiveness; gratitude; intentionality and adaptability.
2. Empty threats create more work later. We have heard parents say, “If you don’t come by the time I count to three, I’ll....” Too often they: a) either never follow through or b) completely overreact. The child then becomes focused on getting away with as much as possible until his parents lose their cool.
3. Your child should learn to distinguish “wants” from “needs”. Children need air, food, water and shelter. A smartphone may be presented to you as a need. It is not, so it is okay to say “no”.
4. When possible, use “could” instead of “should.” Most children see “should” as controlling (“You should stop that now”). “Could”, on the other hand, is a word brimming with possibility. For example, say: “You could choose to obey the time limit for playing on the phone that we agreed on, and have further opportunities to play later. Or you could disobey and lose the privilege until you regain the trust necessary to have it back” (make sure to define what “regaining trust” will look like).
Q: I am getting married soon. My fiancee and I thought it would be good to ask various people – family, friends and experts – for their best marriage tips. What is your advice?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: There are many things we can share, but let us start with this: your chances for a successful marriage increase substantially when you both commit to speaking to each other more considerately.
Have you ever noticed the power of the words we speak? They can build up and heal our relationships or they can tear them down and destroy them.
Careless words are like runaway horses. Once they are out in the open, they will lead you down trails you never intended to go. That is why it is important to put up strong fences early on in your relationship to guide you in what you should and should not say to one another.
One of the most effective boundaries for protecting a relationship is removing talk of divorce from your conversations at all costs. It is not wise for couples to threaten an end to their marriage as a tactic for getting their way.
Every marriage encounters disagreement at times but if you allow yourself, in the heat of an argument, to raise the possibility of divorce, it suddenly becomes a “real option”.
Instead, make up your minds in advance that, come what may, divorce is absolutely off-limits. It will motivate you to find other ways to settle your differences.
Trouble will come to your relationship – that is just part of being human but take “divorce” out of your vocabulary and work on finding other opportunities for resolving the issues you face.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: letters@t
