Q: I am a dad with two pre-teen sons, and I would love for them to enjoy the same sports and hobbies I do, as I think it will help us stay close as they grow up. Do you have any advice?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: It is natural for parents to want their children to follow in their footsteps but it is important not to push this idea too far.
A few years ago, a study showed that parents who want their children to develop a passion for music or sports should adopt a hands-off approach.
For example, if you are a fan of badminton, there is nothing wrong with encouraging your son to try the sport. However, it is crucial not to pressure him into it. You likely want him to enjoy badminton for the love of the game, but if he feels compelled to play out of obligation or the fear of disappointing you, the experience may not be as fulfilling for him.
The study also revealed another risk of forcing your children to pursue hobbies that you think they should enjoy. Some children with high-pressure parents may initially embrace the activities their parents choose but they can become overly obsessed.
These hobbies can consume them, and their entire sense of identity may become tied to being a football player or a violinist. When they miss a goal or play a wrong note, their self-esteem can plummet.
As parents, it is important to instil values and morals in our children, teaching them the difference between right and wrong. However, when it comes to hobbies, sports and other pastimes, it is essential to give them the freedom to explore and develop their interests.
While you would like your sons to be a “chip off the old block”, it is equally important to allow them to develop their own unique gifts and talents. Ultimately, it is not about you – it is about supporting them in finding what brings them joy.
Q: I know my husband is not a mind reader but after 10 years of marriage, I feel like he should at least be able to sense when I have a need. Having to explicitly tell him that I want to spend time together or need
affection feels like it kills the romance. It can be frustrating.
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Most of us understand that our spouses cannot read our minds but sometimes we act as though we expect them to. This often leads to conflict in relationships.
We get it – it feels wonderful when your husband picks up on your body language and responds the way you hope.
However, relying on unspoken cues is not something that can sustain a relationship in the long run.
Successful couples put in the effort to understand each other’s needs. However, they also recognise that marriages are dynamic, and both partners are constantly evolving.
This means that, at any given moment, your spouse may not be fully aware of what you are feeling. Even if he senses you have a need, he may not know exactly how to respond. Expecting your spouse to read your mind only sets him – and your relationship – up for frustration and disappointment.
One of the most enlightening things we can do is occasionally reverse roles. In your case, ask yourself, “How would I feel if my husband expected of me what I am expecting of him right now?”
So, instead of waiting for him to read your mind, communicate your needs directly, whether it is for attention, a hug or simply an opportunity to share your feelings.
No one is in a better position to understand and express your needs than you. Mind readers may exist in romance novels and K-dramas but you will not find one in real life or in marriage.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community.
For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
