Q: My wife and I have been married for a few years, and lately, our relationship feels a bit stale. Is that normal? It bothers both of us but we are not sure how to fix it.
Focus on the Family Malaysia: We understand. When Jean and Jim first started dating, Jim lived in Kuala Lumpur, and she lived in Malacca.
Without a second thought, Jim would often drive two hours just to have dinner with her. During their courtship, he was more than willing to inconvenience himself to show his interest and commitment. But fast forward to the early years of their marriage, and something had changed: running an errand for her in town seemed too inconvenient, and he was often too busy with work to have dinner together.
Most couples do this. Once they are married, they stop pursuing their spouse the way they did when they were dating. It is human nature. But this is also one of the reasons couples fall “out of love” – they stop listening to each other and serving one another.
It is as if saying “I love you” once should last forever. The truth is, love has a shelf life. It needs to be renewed every single day – not once a month or once a year. You cannot rely on that big holiday from last year or that romantic gesture from last month. You need to actively show your love to each other every day.
If your marriage is not what it used to be, rekindle the love by treating each other with the same dedication you had when you were first dating.
Give attention to each other, truly listen and make each other a priority in life again. Restore the passion you had when your relationship was new and watch your feelings of love for each other grow once more.
Q: I am ashamed to admit that I occasionally lose my temper with my young children. It is usually not too severe, and we tend to move past it quickly. However, I am wondering – is this something I should be concerned about?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: We are sure you love your children, and if you are like most parents, those outbursts may not be about your children.
Stress and frustration can build up, and sometimes something minor – like a spilled glass of milk or repeated questions – can set
us off.
Sometimes, it may feel like our children believe the world revolves around them. Believe it or not, they actually do think that, but it is not due to a lack of discipline; it is a normal part of their development.
A young child’s brain is not yet capable of understanding perspectives beyond his own. This is why anger directed at children can be damaging.
When a parent screams, children are not able to process the situation rationally and think: “My parent may be angry, but this is not my fault”. Instead, children will immediately feel that they are to blame. If this message is reinforced consistently in the home, the child’s sense of self-worth can deteriorate.
A child who grows up in a loving environment will understand that they are valuable and loved, even when they make mistakes.
In contrast, children raised in an environment of anger and harshness may begin to see themselves as a mistake – feeling unlovable and without value.
Almost every parent loses their temper at some point. Fortunately, children can bounce back from occasional outbursts. However, frequent anger can be damaging.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community.
For more information, visit family.org.my.
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