IT started like many clinic visits. A middle-aged man, visibly drained, walked in
with his wife. They were polite, even affectionate, but beneath the surface, something was cracking.
“I forced him to come,” the wife confessed.
She looked tired, not just from lack of sleep, but from holding it together. “His snoring is deafening. He thrashes at night. I’m scared I’ll get hurt in my sleep.”
For months, they had tried to endure it until she quietly moved into the spare room. What began as a temporary measure became their new normal. They no longer shared a bed. Their connection was fraying. Even plans to have children were now on pause.
It is a situation I have seen far too often: couples emotionally adrift because of poor, untreated sleep. The medical term? Obstructive sleep apnoea. But socially, this emerging phenomenon has taken on a new name – sleep divorce.
Rising trend of quiet separation
Despite its dramatic tone, sleep divorce does not imply a legal split; it simply means couples choose to sleep in separate beds or rooms to get better rest, often due to snoring, restlessness, mismatched schedules or preferences like room temperature and mattress firmness.
At first glance, it may sound like a modern, pragmatic solution. After all, who would not want uninterrupted rest? But sleep divorce is a double-edged sword. While some couples report sleeping better, many find their relationship quietly suffering – intimacy fades, emotional distance grows and resentment builds.
Globally, the numbers are climbing. In the United States, about 31% of adults admit to sleeping apart at least occasionally.
Among younger couples aged 35 to 44, that figure rises to nearly 40%. More than half of those who have tried it say their sleep quality has improved, some even gaining up to 37 extra minutes of rest per night.
However, this is not a clear win. Around 20% report that separate sleeping arrangements make their relationship feel worse. And that is the crux: sleep divorce solves one problem while sometimes creating another.
While there is limited data in Malaysia, we are likely seeing similar trends. Increased awareness of sleep disorders, especially obstructive sleep apnoea (OSA), means more people are recognising that their partner’s restlessness or snoring is not just annoying; it may be a sign of something serious. Globally, OSA affects about one in five adults.
Sleep issues do not start or stop in the bedroom. Left untreated, conditions like OSA can lead to high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke and chronic fatigue. More subtly, it chips away at our patience, focus and emotional resilience – qualities every relationship depends on.
That is why ignoring the problem rarely helps. Loud snoring, choking or gasping during sleep and frequent awakenings are not just quirks; they are red flags. The earlier couples seek help, the more likely both sleep and relationships can be salvaged.
There are effective treatments: lifestyle changes, CPAP machines, dental appliances or even minor surgeries. Many couples who pursue treatment report returning to the same bed, not just to sleep better but to reconnect.
Preserving relationship beyond sleep
Of course, not every couple is ready or able to fix the root issue right away. In such cases, sleeping apart can be a short-term relief but it should not be the final destination.
One approach is to build bedtime rituals that preserve emotional closeness even when physically apart. For example, winding down together before retreating to separate rooms or syncing morning routines.
Simple gestures such as a shared cup of tea or a quiet chat can anchor intimacy, even if the bed is no longer shared.
It is also worth recognising the stigma some Malaysians still carry about sleeping apart. In our culture, where multigenerational homes are common and marital harmony is often measured by surface unity, separate beds can feel like taboo. But silence only worsens the divide.
Talking openly without blame is crucial. Sleep is deeply personal and so is love. Navigating the two requires kindness, curiosity and sometimes professional guidance.
Is it sleep divorce or something deeper?
You may be heading towards a sleep divorce if:
- You or your partner has quietly relocated to the sofa or spare room.
- Sleep-related arguments have become frequent.
- There is growing fear or discomfort about sharing a bed.
- Daytime fatigue is affecting your health or work.
- Physical intimacy has declined and emotional connection feels weaker.
Sleep divorce is not a sign of failure but it is a sign that something needs attention.
Way forward
We often think of love as grand gestures – anniversaries, gifts and holidays. But often, it is found in smaller acts – adjusting the fan speed for someone else, sleeping a little less so your partner sleeps more or finally making that doctor’s appointment.
Sleep problems are medical issues but their impact is deeply emotional. The good news? They are often treatable.
If restlessness, snoring or exhaustion are keeping you and your partner apart, don’t brush it off. Seek help. You may find that solving the sleep issue brings you closer, not just in bed but in life.
Dr Julius Goh Liang Chye is a clinical lecturer and consultant otorhinolaryngologist at the Department of Otorhinolaryngology, Faculty of Medicine, Universiti Malaya.
Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
