Q: Our two daughters, ages 13 and seven, argue and bicker constantly. We have talked to them many times about the importance of being kind, loving and forgiving, and they always promise to do better but nothing seems to change. How can we help them overcome this sibling rivalry?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Most families deal with sibling conflict at some point and usually at the most inconvenient times. Resolving this rivalry takes consistency, patience and time. Keep these three things in mind as you work through it:
Stay calm: Dealing with bickering children can feel like “ninja-level” parenting. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are teaching them essential skills for handling relationships and resolving conflicts – skills
they will need throughout life. It is important to take time to understand each daughter’s perspective, keeping in mind their ages and personalities.
Listen and teach: Listen carefully to your children, help them identify the real issue, and involve them in finding solutions and setting consequences. For example, you could set up a system where, after five minutes of arguing, they can hire a parent for RM1 per minute to help them resolve the conflict.
Encourage them to take turns listening, practise empathy (“What is it like to be with me?”), and ask themselves, “What do I really want?” These exercises can teach them to
self-reflect and consider the other person’s perspective. It will not always be perfect, but developing these skills takes time, and it will be a challenge for everyone.
Provide consistent limits: If the children are being rude, mean or physical, it is important to intervene with consequences.
For example, we have heard of families where the child acting as a bully has to clean the toilets, symbolising that the issue needs to be “flushed out” of the home.
There are many other options for consequences as well, such as time-outs or losing privileges or toys – though these should come with the opportunity to earn them back.
Q: My wife and I don’t argue frequently, but when we do, things tend to escalate quickly. I think we are both to blame – one of us says something snarky, and the other responds with something angrier or louder, which just makes it worse. How can we prevent this from escalating and handle conflicts more calmly?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Most couples have experienced this – escalating a disagreement without meaning to. A relationship expert I once heard called it “climbing the crazy ladder”.
The idea is that fighting as a couple is like climbing an emotional ladder. It is easy to go up quickly, but coming down is much harder. Once an argument heats up, it becomes much more difficult to calm things down.
Additionally, the higher you go, the more unstable things become. When a disagreement escalates, it only makes it harder to resolve the issue constructively.
Couples are encouraged to avoid climbing the ladder for the sake of their marriage and,
if they have children, for their well-being. Research shows that children exposed to chronic, poorly handled conflict can suffer lifelong emotional consequences.
The best advice is to avoid climbing the
crazy ladder in the first place. Instead, focus on staying calm, discussing differences rationally, and finding solutions that strengthen your relationship rather than weaken it.
A good first step will be to simply acknowledge it: “Honey, we are climbing the crazy ladder again.”
This article is contributed by
Focus on the Family Malaysia,
a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional
counselling services, to the community.
For more information, visit family.org.my.
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