IF someone hurts you and says “I’m sorry”, would you forgive them immediately, or do you need more words and actions to show the sincerity of their apology?
Like the language of love, the language of apology is the way you say and receive “I’m sorry”. And while you may have never thought about what that might look like to you, it’s actually very important to consider how to apologise to your partner, especially since everyone needs something different to get over a fight.
This is because everyone is different. After an argument, it will be enough to hear “I’m sorry, you’re right”. But to someone, saying “I’m sorry” can seem like an empty, superficial way to get out of it. Some people may just rely on one apology language but there may be more than one depending on the situation. Here’s a breakdown of each one.
Expressing regret
The language of apology to express regret is to go deep and admit to yourself that you have hurt someone. For most people, an apology isn’t a real apology unless you’re told “I’m sorry.” It sounds obvious enough, but many people let pride or guilt get in the way of making such apologies. For many of us to truly forgive, we need to know that the person who hurt us is sorry for what they did. This is the most essential element of an apology, but some people feel it more than others. It is important to acknowledge your guilt and acknowledge the pain you inflict on others. Expressing sincere regret includes acknowledging your guilt and understanding the pain your actions have caused them. Expressing regret in the language of apology is considered disloyal when it is used as an excuse or justifies one’s actions.
Accepting responsibility
Accepting responsibility happens when someone sincerely admits that they have done something wrong. The person should be able to explain what he did wrong, and why it was wrong. This element of an apology is similar to an expression of regret, but it is also very important for many of us to hear admission of responsibility. Someone might say: “I’m sorry I hurt you”, but in many cases it’s important that we take responsibility for hurting us. It is important to be told “I’m wrong” to feel that an apology is truly sincere. Unfortunately, some of us struggle with this step. Taking responsibility seriously includes acknowledging your right to experience difficult emotions and acknowledging that it would be wrong to disclose those feelings to the person you are dealing with. Minimising your fault or responsibility by including “but” after an apology doesn’t seem to fit.
Making restitution
Making restitution is about finding a way to get things right. Sometimes we have to reconcile in order to sincerely apologise. Words alone are not enough. The language of this apology is to do something to reconcile with the person. It can be the language of apology or the language of your partner if you feel that you need justice or a visible sign of love in order to feel that you can actually accept an apology. There are many ways to reconcile, feeling loved after an apology, and reconciliation requires your partner to meet your love language. Essentially, you are looking for the reassurance that your partner is still interested in you and wants to reassure you by meeting your needs in a way that is most important to you. Genuine reparations include further remedies and damages, and the empty promise of restitution without follow-up makes the language of this apology insincere.
Genuinely repenting
The fourth apology language requires a changing behaviour. Just saying sorry isn’t enough in this language. Also, it is not just about taking responsibility, but also promising to never do it again in the future. Saying you want to change somehow gives them a reassurance. For some of us, perhaps, according to the seriousness of the issue, we need to hear promises from that person to never hurt you again. We all know bad habits are hard to break, but besides telling your loved one that you want to change, make a plan that will guarantee your success. Serious repentance involves implementing a change plan and expressing an intention to change. This apology seems insincere when there is no resistance in your change plan.
Requesting forgiveness
This last element of the apology language may be the most difficult, but it is also the most important for many. Asking someone to forgive or free you for your mistake is a powerful thing that can ultimately set both of you free. As an example: “I’m sorry to disappoint you, will you please forgive?” This gives the chance for the individual who got hurt to decide if he/she wants to forgive or not. Most people do not completely reject an apology, but they do have the ability to make exceptions, including the need to repent or make amends. A sincere request for forgiveness involves humbly inviting the offended spouse to take an active role in reconciliation. The language of apology seems insincere when there is an expectation of immediate forgiveness. Failure to acknowledge disappointment, anger, or guilt and/or change in behaviour when not otherwise. Seeking for forgiveness is the first step to reconciliation.
However, always remember “sorry” only matters when it’s genuine and meaningful.
