FOR generations, Malaysians grew up hearing the proverb “blood is thicker than water”, a phrase meant to remind children that family must always come first. Yet in practice, many discover this old wisdom does not always hold true.
Across the country, from urban Kuala Lumpur to kampungs, the lived reality is far more complex: not all families built by blood are nurturing, and sometimes, the people who stand by us most firmly are not those who share our surname but those we choose to call family.
In today’s Malaysia, where societal shifts, generational differences and evolving cultural values reshape the meaning of kinship, loyalty often becomes a stronger bond than ancestry.
Generational divide
Older generations of Malaysians tended to treat family ties as unbreakable, regardless of circumstance. Respect for elders, filial piety and obligations towards relatives were deeply ingrained values.
Many tolerated strained relationships with parents, siblings or cousins because “that is just how family is”. A difficult uncle, a controlling auntie or even neglectful parents were endured under the belief that loyalty to bloodlines was non-negotiable.
But the current generation views family through a different lens. With rising awareness of mental health, personal boundaries and self-worth, more young Malaysians have begun redefining what family means to them. They are less willing to tolerate toxicity or manipulation just because it comes from kin.
Instead, they value sincerity, emotional support and respect, qualities often found in chosen families built among close friends, mentors and even colleagues.
When parents are guardians, not just providers
It is often said parenthood is more than biology. In polite terms, some parents act only as “givers of life” but not as nurturers. In Malaysia, there are countless stories of children raised by grandparents, relatives or foster parents while their biological parents remained absent or uninvolved.
For these children, the ones who cooked their meals, guided their studies or simply offered a listening ear, became their real family figures.
Similarly, many young adults today share their deepest emotional support does not come from home but from peers.
While their parents may provide food, shelter and education, it is their friends who truly understand their struggles, whether it is dealing with depression, academic pressure or navigating identity. The act of being understood, rather than merely managed, makes all the difference.
Malaysia’s chosen families
In Malaysian cities, especially among Gen Z and millennials, the concept of chosen family has become increasingly common. Friendship circles become support systems that are tighter than extended kin networks.
These groups celebrate Hari Raya, Chinese New Year or Deepavali together, often because they feel more warmth and acceptance in those spaces than at their own relatives’s gatherings.
This phenomenon is not new. Even in the past, migrant workers and students who moved away from their kampung built surrogate families in boarding houses, workplaces and religious communities. The difference is that today, Malaysians are more vocal about prioritising these bonds.
Social media has amplified the message: family is about loyalty, not DNA.
Breaking silence on toxic kinship
To speak openly about toxic relatives was once taboo. Culturally, questioning elders or refusing family obligations could be seen as shameful. Yet more Malaysians now acknowledge the pain inflicted by controlling or abusive relatives.
Some share stories of being ostracised for pursuing unconventional careers, marrying outside their race or religion, or simply for thinking differently.
For many, it is their chosen families who step in during these times. Friends are the ones offering a couch to sleep on, a loan to get through the month or emotional reassurance when life unravels. Unlike certain relatives who may appear only during times of success, chosen families often remain constant in hardship.
Role of loyalty
Loyalty is what transforms acquaintances into family. In Malaysia, loyalty is expressed not only through big sacrifices but also through small, consistent gestures: visiting a sick friend, showing up at court when someone faces legal troubles or simply listening without judgment.
When friends defend each other against gossip, pool money for hospital bills or stay up all night to help with assignments or business launches, they embody the spirit of family. Such loyalty is rarely measured in genealogical terms, but in action and commitment.
Redefining family during festivities
Festive seasons in Malaysia reveal how elastic the idea of family can be. For some, balik kampung means returning to households where they feel unwanted or misunderstood.
For others, it means gathering with friends in the city, potluck style, to recreate the sense of belonging.
Increasingly, young Malaysians treat “family dinners” as an act of choice, not obligation. Whether it is celebrating with housemates, coursemates or a tight group of friends, these chosen families provide joy without the emotional baggage often tied to blood relatives.
Moving forward
In a multicultural nation such as Malaysia, where community ties extend beyond race and religion, it makes sense that family can be self-defined. Loyalty bridges gaps that ancestry cannot.
A Malay student may find his strongest support in his Chinese roommate. A young woman estranged from her parents may see her mentor as a father figure. These relationships thrive not because of obligation, but because of mutual care.
The future of family in Malaysia lies not in rigid bloodlines, but in flexible circles of trust. Just as our country embraces diversity, individuals are learning to embrace families of choice.
Beyond blood
The truth is simple yet profound: blood may connect people by name, but it does not guarantee love, respect or loyalty. Many Malaysians today recognise their truest families are not necessarily those they were born into, but those they build.
Family, at its best, is defined by loyalty, kindness and understanding. When someone shows up for you, not because tradition demands it, but because their heart chooses to, then you have found family, whether or not you share the same bloodline.
And perhaps that is the most Malaysian lesson of all: in a nation built on pluralism and shared lives, real family is never about blood alone. It is about who stays, who supports and who chooses you as much as you choose them.
