Q: My father treated me horribly when I was a child, so my relationship with him was strained and distant until the day he died. I never worked things out with him in person, and now I am struggling with feelings of bitterness, anger and guilt. How can I get past this?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Losing a family member is never easy but it is harder when we there are unresolved issues with the person who has passed on. Psychologists refer to this as “complicated mourning”.
One way to address these issues is to write a letter to your father as if he were still alive. Pour out your feelings on paper as clearly and thoroughly as you can, expressing your hurt, anger, loss and frustration.
It may be helpful to visit your father’s grave and read the letter aloud, though this act is purely symbolic. However, some individuals have found it liberating.
You may find it beneficial to speak with other relatives who knew your father during his younger years. Explore his relationship with his parents: Did he feel loved and accepted as a child? While this does not excuse his behaviour, understanding his upbringing could shed light on why he acted the way he did, potentially passing on unresolved issues to you without realising it.
Sometimes, understanding another person’s background can foster empathy, offering a fresh perspective on their behaviour and aiding in the healing of our psychological wounds. If you feel the need for additional support, we strongly encourage you to seek guidance from a counselor for further insights.
Q: As our youngest child prepares to get married this summer, my wife and I are bracing ourselves for the transition to becoming empty nesters. We have heard of other couples in our situation who have even ended up divorcing. Do you have any advice?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: It is commendable that you are proactively preparing for such a significant life transition. Your marriage can thrive after the children leave home, provided you and your spouse are committed to making it work. This entails continuously honing your communication skills and ensuring that both of you have a voice in decisions.
Additionally, it is crucial to invest efforts into regularly dating each other. Start by getting away for a weekend as a couple to discuss your expectations for the post-parenting years. Conduct a thorough inventory of your marriage, including taking stock of the methods and strategies you use to confront interpersonal conflicts and challenges.
Look for patterns that may become problematic when there is no one else around to act as a buffer between you.
Peel back the layers of busyness and external activities that come with raising children, allowing your marriage to stand on its own merits.
It is essential to acknowledge and be honest about your temperaments and personality types, discussing how you interact with each other. If there is unresolved baggage in those areas, seeking professional counselling is crucial for preserving and revitalising your relationship during the empty nest years. The aim is to rediscover what initially drew you to each other and explore new ways to reignite the flames of romance. Our counsellors are here to support you through this process.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. For more information, visit family.org.my. Join Dr Bob and Jenni Paul at the Taking Your Marriage to Great Marriage Conference on Saturday, June 1 as they explore the essence of marriage, emotions and teamwork in decision-making. Register at family.org.my/greatmarriage. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
