Q: My wife and I don’t argue often, but when we do, it feels like we are enemies. That bothers both of us. We are struggling to get past this. Do you have any advice?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Conflict in marriage can often make you feel like you are pitted against one another when you ought
to be working together. It starts with a disagreement and ends with the couple bitterly locked in a “me-versus-you” mentality. However, it does not have to be that way.
The key is to remind yourselves that you are on the same team. When playing sports, teammates may have differences but the “enemy” is the opposing team and not each other.
You and your wife will not agree on everything – no couple does. Pledge to direct your energy toward solving the mutual problems you need to work through. Attack the issue, not each other.
To achieve that in your marriage, talk about the conflict that has driven a wedge between you. Forgive each other for hurtful words or choices and learn how to pursue a common solution.
It can take some time to work through those matters. It may even require the help of a counsellor, but it is an important step. Unresolved conflicts lead to resentment and bitterness, and this is why couples cannot get on the same page.
Work on embracing the differences in your relationship, and learn to work together as a couple. Make your spouse your teammate, not your enemy.
Q: I am concerned about our eight-year-old son and his reactions to mistakes or struggles at school. Whether it is dropping
a glass or receiving a lower grade on a test, he tends to blow these situations out of proportion. How can we help him?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: This is a fairly common response at this impressionable age, especially if a child has perfectionist tendencies or is seeing these modelled by someone else in the household.
The key factor is whether your son is interpreting his mistakes and failures as an indicator of his worth. Help him grasp the proper perspective by emphasising three truths that he needs to hear from you as his parent.
Firstly, failing is an important part of life because it helps a person mature. If your child falls into the trap of “it is my fault” or “I am stupid”, help him see the situation from another point of view as an opportunity to grow.
Celebrate his potential for learning. Model the idea that success builds on itself through learning the right ways to do things and practising them consistently.
Secondly, failure is a gift to our “future self” – the person we become – because it reminds us there is always room to grow.
Children sometimes get stuck on the message “I always fail”. Help them learn to overcome mistakes by focusing on motivation, determination, perseverance and learned skills. These are great traits that can position your child to succeed along the road of life.
Finally, falling short helps us become humble and loving. Pride can be destructive in relationships while humility opens up the potential for real and selfless love to shine.
Emphasise to your son that his worth does not depend on being perfect; you love him the same regardless. In turn, by learning to accept himself for who he is, he is learning to love and accept others for who they are rather than by what they do.
With a little guidance and encouragement from you, your child can learn to reframe his mistakes and turn them into opportunities for growth and connection.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community.
For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
