Q: Our 14-year-old daughter has recently become obsessed with her appearance. She practically locks herself in her bedroom or bathroom until she gets her hair, makeup and clothes perfect. What can we do as her parents to help her keep her perspective?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: It is no secret that today’s teenagers, especially girls, are under immense pressure when it comes to their appearance.
Social media only amplifies these insecurities. As a parent, you may want to be proactive. Try helping your daughter strike a healthy balance between her desire for outer beauty and building true self-confidence.
However, many parents are not sure how to handle this. One says: “You need to talk to her” and the other replies, “You’re a woman. This is your territory”.
The truth is, your daughter needs to hear affirming and loving words from both of
you – consistently. Fill her heart with encouragement that speaks of her values and lifts her spirit.
However, just as important as what your daughter hears from you is what she sees in you. Mothers – your daughter will watch how much emphasis you place on your own outer beauty and how positively or negatively you talk about your appearance.
Fathers – your daughter will notice how you treat and talk about women. If she sees you objectifying them, she may assume it is normal for men to treat her the same way.
Here is our advice: Don’t over-emphasise your daughter’s outer or inner beauty. Address her as a whole person.
Help her understand that she is a unique individual – body, soul and spirit. Teach her to appreciate both what she sees in the mirror and who she is within. That is how she will develop real self-worth and grow in confidence – in how she looks and, more importantly, in who she is.
Q: How can my spouse and I work through our many unresolved conflicts? We have grown so distant that it feels like we are living separate lives, and things seem to be getting worse. Is agreeing to disagree really a solution or just avoiding deeper issues?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Differences are often what initially attract partners to each other.
But staying divided over things that don’t really matter is neither helpful nor productive. When it comes to deeper or recurring conflicts, here are some steps to begin working towards resolution:
Face the conflict directly: You don’t learn to resolve issues by avoiding them. Growth happens when you are willing to confront challenges with honesty and care.
Focus on resolution, not winning: The goal is not to prove a point; it is to strengthen your relationship. Reconciliation should be the aim, not scoring a victory.
Address conflict early: Don’t wait for things to escalate. If something is bothering you, bring it up with respect and openness as soon as possible.
Communicate clearly and listen well: Take turns sharing how you feel. Use “I” statements to express your emotions without blaming.
For example: “I feel hurt when you don’t
follow through,” rather than “You never do what you say.”
State your needs specifically: Once you have each expressed how you feel, work together to create a mutually agreeable plan of action. For instance, you can say: “It would help me if you took the trash out as soon as
you agree to do it.” Then, create a clear plan, like setting trash days for Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, so expectations are shared and specific.
Invite accountability: Ask a trusted couple or a professional counsellor to help hold both of you accountable. Share the plan you have created with them. Knowing someone else is aware and supportive can increase follow-through and strengthen your commitment.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. Join dad and daughter date and make memories that will last a lifetime for you and your daughter (13-19 years). Register now at family.org.my/daddaughter.
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