IN my recent Hari Raya social media post, I wrote: “On this blessed day, whether you are asking for forgiveness or
giving it, remember to forgive yourself too.”
This simple reminder sparked numerous responses, revealing how many of us struggle more with self-forgiveness than with forgiving others.
While Malaysia’s Eid celebrations create a structured opportunity for personal, family and communal forgiveness, the journey to forgive oneself often remains a solitary and unguided path.
As a somatic psychotherapist, I have witnessed how our body reacts when we harbour resentment towards others; we may feel it as tension in our shoulders or a knot in our stomach.
However, when we cannot have compassion for ourselves, the physical manifestation is more profound; showing up as chronic pain, disrupted sleep or a persistent feeling of heaviness.
What makes internal reconciliation so challenging? Unlike the cultural rituals that guide us in forgiving others, we have few roadmaps for extending this same grace inward. Asking for forgiveness needs to come with an apology, and that in itself requires self-reflection and honesty. It is not enough to just say “I’m sorry”.
Turning inwards
The late psychiatrist Dr Aaron Lazare noted that a good apology needs to have four essential components:
Acknowledging your mistake: Be specific, not vague. State clearly what your mistake or fault was.
Explaining the scenario and what actually happened: Do not give excuses; state the facts as they were.
Expressing remorse: Do you feel shame, regret or guilt? Say it.
Offering to make amends: What does the injured party need? Restitution? Redoing a project? Working extra hours? Ask how you can make amends.
It is not enough to say “sorry” or “sorry, I hurt you” – you need to say, “sorry, I offended you when I slammed the door in your face” or “sorry, I hurt you by speaking about you behind your back”.
If you are resisting making the apology, is it fear or self-righteous indignation? Maybe you need to self-reflect and/or speak to a trusted and objective person to get a different point of view.
The same principles that apply to seeking forgiveness from others should guide our path to self-forgiveness. We may accept an apology from a friend who made a mistake but berate ourselves endlessly for similar actions. Why is self-forgiveness so difficult? Did we learn it from society, religion or family?
The cost
Holding onto self-blame and shame exacts a heavy toll. Often, shame is a large component that many struggle with when it comes to
self-forgiveness.
Shame can come from the smallest of actions or words, yet we carry them as defining moments of our character.
Research shows that inability to forgive oneself is linked to depression, anxiety, substance abuse and even physical health problems.
What we resist persists and the energy spent maintaining self-judgement drains us of the very resources we need to make positive changes.
I have worked with clients who spent decades punishing themselves for past choices, far beyond what anyone else would expect. Those internal prisons serve no one – not the person suffering, nor those they may have harmed.
If we apply Lazare’s framework to ourselves, this is how self-forgiveness should be:
Acknowledge your mistake to yourself: Be specific about what you did, without minimising or exaggerating. “I lied about my qualifications in that interview” rather than “I’m a terrible, dishonest person”.
Understand the context: What was happening in your life? What pressures were you under? Not as excuses but as important context for understanding your actions with compassion.
Feel the remorse: Allow yourself to fully experience the regret, without trying to
bypass it.
Make amends to yourself: This is perhaps the most overlooked step. How can you heal the part of you that feels damaged by your actions? What wisdom have you gained?
Forgiveness, both of others and ourselves is not a one-time event but needs practice. Consider writing a letter to yourself or even looking in the mirror and saying, “I forgive you”.
The gift
When we forgive ourselves, we model compassion for others. We demonstrate that one’s worth is not determined by perfection but by the courage to acknowledge mistakes and the willingness to grow from them.
Self-forgiveness can be difficult – just start by being willing or by having the intention.
As you practise self-forgiveness, you may
feel lighter emotionally and have a greater capacity to connect authentically with others. This is the true gift of forgiveness.
Nahlana T. Kreshnan is a somatic psychotherapist and life and executive coach. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
