Q: I don’t get violent when I am angry but I have always tended to just “let it out” when I get frustrated with my wife and children. That is how my parents lived and how I was raised. What is the problem?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Many people see anger as an uncontrollable emotion – but that is not true. Not only can you control how you express anger, you likely already do.
Here is an example: you are in the car with your spouse, on the way to a friend’s house for dinner. It is meant to be a fun evening but the two of you are caught in a heated argument.
No one else is around, so you let your anger spill out – snapping at each other the entire drive. Maybe the argument even continues as you walk up to the door.
But what happens as soon as your friends open the front door? Suddenly, the both of you are all smiles, acting as if nothing is wrong.
The point is this: it is not that you cannot control your emotions – it is that sometimes, you choose not to exercise that ability.
Anger is a powerful emotion and you may feel better letting your frustrations spew all over your family.
However, as cathartic as it might feel to you, uncontrolled anger causes lasting hurt and damages relationships.
Anger can be restrained but it takes a deliberate and conscious effort – and it is worth the change.
Q: What should I do if I am starting to fear that my marriage was a mistake? It has only been a short time since the wedding and I am already beginning to wonder if I married the wrong person.
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Simply put, marriage is not primarily about finding the right person – it is about being the right person.
First, you have to start by looking inward. If you entered marriage with the expectation that your partner will be the source of your happiness, you will probably be disappointed.
The emotions that we normally experience when we are unmarried do not vanish when we marry – in fact, they can become more intense in marriage.
If you and your spouse were unhappy and unfulfilled as singles, those feelings of discontentment may deepen after marriage.
However, if each of you has a strong sense of meaning and purpose, and a genuine desire to share your lives through mutual commitment, your connection can grow stronger and more fulfilling over time.
The goal is simple: to live contentedly with someone else, you must first learn to be content within yourself.
Next, try to let go of any lingering idealism from your premarital romance and begin appreciating your spouse for who they truly are.
During courtship, we often get excited with what this wonderful, new relationship will be. As a result, we fill in any perceived gaps in our loved one’s personality.
Now that you are married, it is important to accept that both of you have flaws – as all people do.
Finally, remind yourself of what love really means.
Erich Fromm once wrote: “To love somebody is not just a strong feeling – it is a decision, it is a judgement, it is a promise. If love were just a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever.”
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
