A FICTIONAL pick-up of a recent recorded exchange between US Secretary of State Marco Rubio, President Donald Trump and Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent.
Rubio: Morning, Sir. Morning, Boss.
Trump: Yeah. Am here, Ruby (Marco Rubio)! What’s this that is so urgent? And why do you want Scottie (Scott Bessent) too? I’m in the middle of a game, so hurry up.
Bessent: Hello, Sir. Hope you are having a good game.
Trump: Going great. As always. I need a few more putts to drop today.
Rubio: I’m sure you can do it. You see, I’ve just got back from Asean.
Trump: ASSIN. What’s that? Who’s that?
Bessent: South East Asia, Sir.
Rubio: You know, Kuala Lumpur, Jakarta, Bangkok, Manila and Singapore.
Trump: Of course, I know my geography. All horrible countries.
Bessent: They are some of our biggest markets, Sir.
Rubio: Yes, had a difficult visit there but I’ve wrangled for them to invite you to a visit there for the Asean and East Asia summits. Big honour, Boss. It’s unprecedented and will make the headlines, reaching hundreds of millions. Billions actually!
Trump: Not so fast Ruby. Stammer (Keith Starmer, prime minister of UK), Albo (Antony Albanese, prime minister of Australia) and Modi (Narendra Modi, prime minister of India) all want me to visit their capitals ASAP. What’s in it for me, for us?
Bessent: I think this can be a strategic visit, Sir. The word is that you have your tariff bazooka on them in East Asia.
Trump: Bazooka! Beautiful word! I love it. Someone please tell Maria (Maria Bartiromo, Fox News journalist) to use it in Fox on tariffs. Did you see the bazookas and missiles at my birthday parade? The crowds went wild.
Rubio: Very impressive parade, especially the Patriots (US Interceptor missile) you are sending to Zelensky (Volodymyr Zelensky, president of Ukraine), Boss. One for the history books. It will be a great visit, Sir. You will have a grand time and, and we can have a couple of golf games and the region’s royalty lined up.
Trump: Royalty! Sounds good. But tell them not to call me Daddy or Papa. I don’t like it. Makes me feel old.
Bessent: How about Uncle? Uncle Trump goes well with Uncle Sam. You know, respect and history and all that.
Trump: Hey, I like that. Lots of my kids call me Uncle. It will be wonderful to have a few million more.
(Loud guffaw)
Rubio: Very sure we can arrange for that, Boss. Meanwhile, word from my staff is that Albo will push for one of the new Aukus (Australia, the UK, US security partnership) submarines to be named after you if the Pentagon can hurry the subs. So yours can be a combined outing to fly the flag in the Pacific, too.
Trump: USS Trump. Love it. That can take its place alongside our famous subs right? Nautilus, George Washington. Can’t remember anymore now. But USS Trump is a great idea, Ruby. You get it done ASAP. By the way, that about Australia reminds me of the dumb creep here, Rudd (Kevin Rudd, Australia ambassador to the US). He needs to go ASAP. Morrison (Scott Morrison, former prime minister of Australia) has been complaining that he hasn’t gotten enough for his work on Aukus and the subs. He can replace Rudd.
Rubio: Excellent proposal. Morrison is a great guy but Rudd is a disaster. We have been dropping word in our cocktail and other parties that he’s not welcome. Seems to have a thick skin and tin ear. Great job though on that Aussie Nick Adams (US ambassador designate) appointment to Malaysia.
Trump: Yeah. Nick is my type. Good guy. Been sending what he has been writing about me for a long time. You know and I know the Aussies will absolutely love the appointment. That Aussie PM – what’s his name again – has been wanting a word with me for the longest time. This appointment will kill three birds with one stone – that’s the art of my deal.
Rubio: Wow, three birds with one stone! Brilliant. What else do you want for the visit, Boss?
Bessent: There’s going to be lots of opportunities for American business, Sir. Perhaps Eric (Trump’s son) should go along. The Chinese are moving part of their real estate money to Southeast Asia and apparently the region is underpriced.
Rubio: Our American and Southeast Asian network can make sure Eric’s trip will be worth his time, Sir.
Trump: Okay, but I try to stay out of what Eric is involved with. Unlike Joe (Joe Biden, former US president) whose Hunter (Biden’s son) had his fingers in so many dirty dealings. Man, Joe was – is – the crookedest guy around; and Post (Washington Post) and Times (New York Times) are still cooking up nice stories about him. Real media bast***s.
Rubio: He was an absolute disaster for our foreign policy, Boss.
Bessent: Exactly. I hear that he’s being nominated for the Nobel prize. Can we do something about it, Marco?
Trump: Man, that is going to hurt. That bumbling idiot made our – my – foreign policy so much more difficult. He and what’s his name, dumb Secretary Blink Blockhead (Antony Blinken, former US secretary of state) totally screwed up, especially in Ukraine and Gaza.
Rubio: You know Boss – Putin (Vladimir Putin, president of Russia), Xi (Xi Jinping, president of China), Nethanyahu (Benjamin Nethanyahu, prime minister of Israel), Modi – everyone of them respects you and the US more than ever. I’m sure our Asian allies and friends can do a big push for you for the Prize (Nobel Peace Prize) with the Norwegian award committee.
Trump: Make sure that happens okay. I’ve been hearing that there’s some stupid guys and groups against me. See how we can get them to our side.
Bessent: I’ve been hearing that too, Sir. The Europeans are not happy at all with our tariff reciprocity and are finding all kinds of ways to hurt you.
Trump: Ungrateful SOBs. We have been covering their backs for so long. They still don’t want to acknowledge that. We need to screw them harder on the tariffs and defence, Scottie. And remind them not to play dirty on the Nobel prize or in any other way. And Rudy, make sure this gets through to all their top guys. There will be hell to pay, especially if they give the Nobel to Joe or anyone else. He should be in an old folks home, poor sod.
Bessent: Just like Marco, I think we can get Southeast Asia on our side with tariffs. Definitely before the prize award date, Sir. That should impress the jury. Difficult but we are working round the clock.
Rubio: Scottie, the problem is that our media keeps hitting us with the line, “90 deals in 90 Days”.
Bessent: I never said that, Marco. Our main problem is with our allies, Canada, the EU, India, Mexico, Japan, South Korea and now Brazil. We need more time, Sir. They are all waiting for others to bend their knees ahead of them. That’s a big problem in timing.
Trump: Okay. Just remind them that Trump said, “You will be screwed even more if you wait longer”. Sh*t. They should know that there’s no free lunch. If they want us to protect them during my administration, they need to pay more – much more. I have all the cards. I’ve had it with them making tonnes of money from us and paying pittance. No more Father Christmas Uncle Sam! And Scottie, make sure to warn Japan, Korea and Taiwan that I want them to make quicker progress opening up factories here. I have all the cards in Asia too. But keep your eyes on “Chyynna”, Scottie and Rudy. I need a meeting with Xi more than anything else. Look, I’ve just missed a putt. Anything else?
Rubio: Sorry, Boss. Will get the messages across. Thanks and that’s all for now in making America great again!
Bessent: Same here. Have a good one.
Trump: Oh. Make sure that Melania (Trump’s wife) is well taken care of for the coming trip, Rudy.
Lim Teck Ghee’s Another Take is aimed at demystifying social orthodoxy. Comments: [email protected]
