Q: My grandmother is in the final stages of cancer and her illness has dramatically altered her physical appearance. She has expressed a desire to see my two young children. Should I allow the children to visit her? Would they find the experience too upsetting?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: This is a difficult decision. You are anxious to protect your children from fear and pain. At the same
time, you want to honour your grandmother’s wishes.
Overall, we believe that death is a natural part of life. With proper preparation, it may be a good idea
to allow your children to say goodbye to their great-grandmother, especially if they have had a meaningful relationship with her in the past.
Be honest with the children
about what is happening, using age-appropriate language. Let them know that great-grandma is very sick and, that sometimes, when people are very sick, their bodies stop working the way they used to. Explain that this can make her look different than she did before.
If your grandmother’s illness has caused her to lose her hair or significant weight, it is a good idea to discuss this with your children in advance. Make sure to explain it calmly and reassuringly. If you seem anxious or fearful, your children will likely sense this and may become frightened themselves.
While most young children may not fully grasp abstract concepts like death and eternity, this is an opportunity to lay the groundwork for future discussions on these topics as they grow. For now, keep the conversation simple, focusing on your children’s needs and their level of understanding.
Q: Our young son is defiant and talks back. He refuses to do his homework and clean his room. When we try to discuss these issues with him calmly and in a mature way, we usually end up getting angry and yelling at him. What are we doing wrong?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: First, we recommend taking about 10 minutes to complete the “Seven Traits of Effective Parenting” assessment.
Next, you need to determine whether this is a skill deficit, for example, poor organisation, or a true case of defiance. Either way, it is important to focus on building connection, respect, understanding and communication. If it is a
skill deficit, help him develop the skills needed to complete tasks. If it is a defiance issue, ensure that consequences are age-appropriate, consistent and clearly understood.
Consequences can be both positive and negative. Your child may have learned that you eventually get angry, yell and then give up – so it is important to follow through.
You can use positive consequences to reinforce good behaviour and negative consequences to discourage undesirable behaviour.
Set clear goals with rewards to celebrate progress and implement meaningful consequences to address setbacks.
For example, you may say to your son: “If you finish your homework by 5pm, you’ll get an extra half hour of playtime
tonight.” This is a simple positive consequence that does not cost you anything.
However, if 6pm arrives and he has not started his homework, the negative consequence would be losing all playtime for the night. Be sure to clearly communicate these expectations in advance.
You will need to come up with consequences, both positive and negative, that truly resonate with him. It could be something like television privileges or a weekend ice cream outing with dad.
The effectiveness of specific consequences will evolve as your child grows older.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: [email protected]
