Q: Once again, I could not afford to give my children the memorable holiday that their friends have experienced. It is discouraging. Do you think they will resent me for this?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Some years ago, a father shared a valuable lesson he learned about parenting during a road trip with his brother and his son. They were travelling from Johor to Kuala Perlis to pick up a trailer when their truck broke down on the highway. Stranded and with repairs costing a significant amount, they were stuck for three days.
The father was miserable and frustrated, especially as they had to stay in a small hotel and eat every meal at the same restaurant next door.
By the time the truck was fixed, they had missed their road trip and had to head back home.
While driving back, still stewing over the ruined plans, his seven-year-old son turned to him with a big smile and said, “Thanks, Dad. That was a great holiday. I think it was one of the best!”
The father realised that his son’s joy came from spending time together, not from the activities they had missed. This experience taught him that it is not about what we do but about being with the people we love.
In the long run, your children will likely feel the same way: The quality of time spent together far outweighs the specifics of any holiday plans.
Q: My oldest daughter is a model child – pleasant, cheerful and agreeable – while her younger brother is the complete opposite. Could having a defiant and strong-willed sibling affect a mild-tempered and cooperative child?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: You are wise to recognise that a compliant child may be overlooked and taken for granted, especially when there is a more defiant and outspoken sibling in the family. As the saying goes, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Even unconsciously, we may expect the compliant child to do more or make sacrifices because we lack the energy to do both, often placing more responsibility on the child who does not voice complaints as loudly.
This dynamics can have consequences. The responsible child may develop feelings of powerlessness and simmering resentment. She may also become prideful of her “good” behaviour, which can lead to overconfidence in her abilities and the power given to her.
This combination of pride and a sense of injustice can sometimes cause compliant children to adopt passive-aggressive, manipulative or secretive behaviours.
They may even learn to get away with things “under the radar”. Additionally, they can be prone to perfectionism, stress and depression, feeling trapped by their need to please others.
It is important to ensure that the compliant child receives her fair share of parental attention. Make time to connect with your daughter regularly.
Plan special activities like going for ice cream, taking walks or simply sitting down to talk at least once a week.
Pay close attention to her feelings and what is going on in her life at home and at school, including any fears, anxieties or resentments that may be hidden beneath her quiet and cooperative demeanour.
If necessary, encourage her to open up by asking questions like, “What is it like for you to live in our family?” or “What do you wish we noticed more about you?”
Take the time to celebrate her achievements and positive choices. Let her know that she is valued and a unique member of the family. Emphasise your appreciation for her, including her imperfections, dreams and all.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. Our signature bonding event for married couples, “Date Night”, is back on Saturday, Oct 5. Join us to create unforgettable memories that will deepen your bond and intimacy as husband and wife. Register at family.org.my/datenight. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
