Q: I am a mum to three energetic young boys and grew up with two sisters – so it has been a real shock to me to see the constant competition between my boys. Should I
be encouraging or discouraging their competitive nature?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: There are exceptions, of course, but most boys are wired to compete. If you watch how different groups of boys play together, you will see the same pattern across cultures.
If they do not have a game to compete in, they will create one. Rocks and sticks turn into guns and swords, and rolled-up t-shirts become balls for new games they invent.
One father recalls how his sons would spend hours building fortresses out of Legos, only to destroy them with a well-aimed tennis ball. The Death Star and the Evil Empire were destroyed more times than he can count. Now as teenagers, they still compete with each other – and with him.
But it is not just about fun and games. Win
or lose, the skills and discipline boys develop through competition will be pivotal later in life when they are managing careers, mortgages and families of their own. Ultimately, raising boys is about raising confident men who are prepared to face the world.
That is why we believe it is unhelpful for parents to inhibit their sons’ competitive spirit. Instead, teach them how to harness their strength and use it in productive ways that will benefit not just themselves but others too.
Of course, they need boundaries but avoid being too restrictive. Focus on patience and guidance.
The goal is not to hold your sons back – it is to guide them on the right path. A boy in competition is a man in training.
Q: I am getting married soon, and my fiance and I have been told to expect some “normal” disagreements. But we are worried we may end up fighting about the wrong things. What topics are healthy to argue about?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: The list of issues couples can disagree on is endless – money, in-laws, sex, who should do the laundry, and so on. You both see the world through different lenses, so disagreements are inevitable. But here is the thing: you can actually “fight your way to a better marriage”.
The key is that what you argue about is
far less important than how you argue. Some couples fight with one goal in mind: winning the argument at all costs. Instead of listening
to one another or trying to understand each other’s point of view, they go on the offensive to get their way.
This is when things can get ugly – name-calling, criticism or even verbal or physical threats. These destructive behaviours will
leave scars on your marriage long after the disagreement is over. You are attacking your spouse, not the issue.
A better approach is to work towards a solution that is fair for both of you. You can get through almost anything if your ultimate goal is the health and well-being of your relationship.
The more complicated the issue, the more important it becomes to make healthy choices. You can choose to be defensive or open to your spouse’s feelings. You can be self-righteous or humble. You can be stubborn or understanding.
Winning an argument is a hollow victory if it means wrecking your marriage in the process. Make strengthening your relationship the goal. Attack the problem, not each other.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit.
It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community.
For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
